PJ Vescovi

I love a good yard. In Texas suburbia , however, scoring property bigger than a patch of grass is a rare find. So when my wife and I decided to buy a house this year, I was determined to find something that resembled an actual yard.

With two little girls, home security was also very important. We bought a firearm (obviously, we’re in TX now!),  we shopped for security systems, we replaced some of our fencing. All in the name of protecting the things and more importantly, the people,  we place high value on.

Around Christmas, the strong Texas wind blew a stretch of our fencing over. The wind was so strong that the posts snapped at the base, and about 30 feet of fencing lay flat on the ground. Because of the holiday, we had difficulty finding someone to fix the fence, so we had to endure a few weeks of a wide open back yard. Having no boundary unnerved me. Anybody could have walked right into our backyard and grabbed something or tried to break in. We felt exposed and unsafe.

You don’t ever think about the value of your fence, until  it’s not there.  So naturally, the experience taught me a few things about the purpose of a boundary or a fence.

First,  it allows our young girls and crazy dog to roam our yard freely and safely. Our dog, Kingston, has a habit of running after ANY moving thing he sees, which makes for the occasional adventure, when he escapes the yard .There were times I found him 3 streets over peeing on someone else’s fence!

Secondly, it helps deter others from entering our property uninvited. Now, while I doubt our wooden fence would keep any determined intruder at bay – it does send a message that our backyard is not an acceptable entry point into our property. We have another entry point – it’s called our front door. And we reserve the right, to determine who we allow into our home and when. All this is done, not because we hate the people outside, but because we love and value the people INSIDE.

Boundaries are the guidelines by which freedom can  be enjoyed.

They are the necessary protections we place around things we love.I have discovered that  when people value something,  they take proper care to protect it. But what happens when you fail to understands something’s value?

When my dad was a young boy, he and his friends  would place baseball cards in the spokes of their bikes, so they could hear the “clicking” sound they would make when they rode.  Imagine my shock when he told me some of those cards where Mickey Mantle, Roger Maris and Yogi Berra! In his defense, there was no way he could have know that he was destroying thousands of future dollars for a cheap thrill, but the point remains.

 When you don’t understand something’s value, you will mistreat it.

But just like there should be  boundaries on homes, schools, prisons, and countries, there also needs to be boundaries on our relationships and interactions with people. As a pastor, I have encountered many people who have not secured their hearts with healthy boundaries. As a result, they live life feeling abused, mistreated, or constantly taken advantage of . In reality, they have failed to set proper boundaries in their relationships. Its like having a yard with no fences around it, and people walk in and out of you heart all day, taking and doing what they please.

Boundary-challenged people allow others to say or do things to them,  will little push-back or corrective action. Or they fail to recognize and respect someone else’s boundaries and violate their relationships by being pushy, intrusive or disrespectful.

When a person lacks boundaries, there is typically a valuation problem. That is, they can’t see or understand their own value and so they fail to protect themselves. And if you don’t value yourself, you won’t be able to properly value someone else.

Then,  when they get really hurt, they respond in an extreme way  by building an emotional wall. They shut people out, and refuse to open up to anyone because of their pain. The most tragic result of a wall, is that not only does it shut people out – it also locks you IN!

Healthy boundaries have doors, which give us the right to open up to the people we want, or refuse people who don’t have good intentions. When someone  respects us, and wants access to us, they  approach our front door and ring the doorbell, they don’t jump over the fence and let themselves in.

There are many resources on setting boundaries, that can help you begin to grow in this area. “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend is one.But I believe it also starts by beginning the practice of valuing yourself.

Value is determined by the price someone will pay for something.

This is true in real estate, the stock market or any other market. God was willing to sacrifice His son Jesus, so we could be free and restored, and have eternal life. As the  Apostle Paul said…”we were bought with a price.” So your value is set. You are worth the precious price of God’s only son!  That’s amazing!

They only thing left to do is to change your mind about yourself. One practice I’ve found helpful is to write down something positive about yourself for 3o days. Write either a positive attribute or even better,  a promise or truth from God’s Word. What does He say about you?

The more you discover how valuable you are, the more exciting it will be to set boundaries so you can enjoy your new found freedom!

With Love,

PJ