I remember thinking, “when I get my license, everything will be better.”  At 16 I couldn’t wait to drive fast with the windows down, music blasting and a mean side lean! Don’t get me wrong, it was definitely fun for a while. But after experiencing the cost of gas, maintenance, and a few speeding tickets, the thrill quickly wore off.

After my license, it was college. After college it was a getting “real job” and after a “real job” it was marriage, or owning a house, or having kids. Millions of people work just to one day to retire, and many retirees live just to one-day die!

I call it the “event mentality.” It’s when we measure our success in life by certain markers of achievement. This mentality leads us to believe that we are always one life “event” away from achieving the happiness we desperately seek. Not to mention the societal, cultural and family pressures around what success looks like.

Too many live feeling incomplete because they have no one in their life romantically. Unfortunately, marriage has been reduced to just another milestone, rather than a act of covenant.

The lie they believe is that:

Marriage = Happiness

This lie causes us to treat relationships like a destination rather than a journey.  It’s why people spend extravagantly preparing for the wedding, but spend nothing on preparing the marriage.They arrive to their destination full of happiness, but powerless to succeed.

In a culture that glorifies and romanticizes love, we can easily become persuaded that the missing piece in our life is a relationship, and subconsciously,  pursue relationships for therapy rather than for purpose.

It’s one of the biggest lies attacking marriages today. That somehow relational happiness is an event, rather than the fruit of good choices. Many fail to see singleness as an opportunity (see here) , so they waste it trying to find somebody.

When I was 24 years old, I knew I needed to break some habits and thought patterns. At that point in life, I was going to be a liability in a relationship, not a blessing. So I took time to work on me. I found my Joy, and contentment being totally single. In fact, I refused to date. Slowly, I started to discover and like who I was.

The belief that you are somehow incomplete can be paralyzing. Yet that’s the reality for so many.  

The truth is, most people don’t have a happiness issue, they have a joy issue. Happiness in circumstantial, but Joy is constant. I may not be happy with losing a job, or being in an argument with my wife. But I don’t have to let it steal my joy. I get that from a different source.

Tragically,  the result is often “relationship jumping” making the same mistakes and never receiving healing and wholeness. They weren’t happy before they got married, and once they discover that their new spouse can’t keep them happy, they move on!

For them, relationships are reduced to an attempt at finding happiness, because they honestly believe they’ll never be happy alone.

Often when I’m counseling someone, I can discern their inner rejection of the suggestion of staying single for a while. They have already decided that they know what they need to be happy and fulfilled, and won’t stop chasing it.

The truth is, true Joy comes from the condition of your heart, and you can’t hold someone else accountable for that. You don’t have to go through life waiting for someone to complete you, you can be both whole and healthy today!

What if Psalm 23 is true. What if He IS your shepherd, and you will not lack. What if He knows exactly what you need, and when you need it. He is a Good Father, we can choose to trust him, or we can continue to trust our own judgement.

You may feel desperate for companionship today. I know it can be a painful feeling.

Jesus once encountered a woman dealing with this type of pain. As he sat down and spoke with her, he uncovered a pattern in her life that was producing a string of bad relationships. She had 5 broken marriages. FIVE! and was involved in another that was heading in same direction. Imagine the heartache and confusion she must of been carrying.

As they sat together at a drinking well, Jesus revealed that He alone could satisfy the longing in her heart. He said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give will never be thirsty again.” John 4: 13 & 14. 

The encounter so touched the woman, that she ran an told everyone about it! She said “Come meet a man who told me everything I ever did!” In truth, Jesus didn’t tell everything. He just put his loving finger on the one issue defining her life – the need for someone’s affection.

If you are single and hurting,  I encourage you to starve your desire for a person, and throw yourself completely at the feet of a God who’s waiting for you. You don’t need a person, you need to hear from the lover of your soul. Jesus alone holds the keys to the mysteries of your heart, and he longs to walk closely with you.

If you are married and dealing with unhappiness, it may be time to re-prioritize Jesus above your spouse. Allow Him to fill you and speak to you everyday, He will touch your heart in ways your spouse never could and empower you to love your spouse in a supernatural way. God will turn your marriage around, but He’ll start in your heart.

And if you are involved in a healthy relationship, talk openly and practically about how to support each other’s relationship with God. Give each other space and time to pursue God individually and encourage each other.  Keep frequent tabs on where you are receiving joy and fulfillment, and allow trusted people to hold you accountable.

Imagine for a moment, the peace and joy that comes from knowing you are in a relationship that the God of the universe is blessing. Imagine living from a place of wholeness and joy, that’s not contingent on another person’s affection. Now that’s worth waiting for, praying for, and preparing for.

Once again, I hope these posts are encouraging you to trust and seek God in your relationships. My prayer is that hope is being restored to your heart!

Next week we will dive into Lie #3!

With Love,

PJ