PJ Vescovi

The first time I “fell” was not pretty. My throat dropped to my stomach at the sight of her. One look or word in my direction either made my day or wrecked it. And the more she kept me in the “friend zone” the worst it got. When she dated someone else, it took me over a year to recover!

Looking back, it was all so dumb. I know now that she’s not “the one that got away,” but another one that wasn’t for me. What seemed like rejection at the time, was actually protection. But regardless, I still “fell” for her. The feelings and emotions that I wrestled with were everything I needed to conclude that she was everything I ever wanted.

If your human, you’re prone to these types of feelings. If we’re honest, most of us would admit to wanting these feelings for someone. And I’m not saying that they’re all bad, but often, it’s these feelings, that serve as the bait into a relationship trap that promises to please, but provides only pain.

Enter the first major lie plaguing relationships:

Love is a Feeling That I Have

In 1 Corinthians 13 you’ll see some great attributes of love. It describes love as patient, kind, and persevering,  but you won’t read anything that describes love as a feeling.

Pop-culture and Hollywood portray love as something we need to catch, like it’s a fish or something! Or it’s portrayed as a destiny we ‘fall’ into by chance or accident. I’ve noticed that no one falls in love more than Hollywood, and no one files for divorce more than Hollywood.

I often hear phrases like “I found someone who make me feel special!” Or “I never felt this way for someone! ” – What can you say to that? It’s like a conversational checkmate. How can you possibly warn someone who believe’s the found “the one.”

One of the traps of falling in love is the over-confidence that accompanies the feeling. As if The “in-love” feeling gives license to ignore sound counsel and advice.

Of course these feelings are rarely sustainable, and people often fall out of love just as quickly as the fall in.

In many cases, love is confused with infatuation. Many people aren’t really looking for a partner in life (i.e. marriage), they’re looking for a good reason to feel better about their life. They’re not looking for someone to love, but someone that makes them feel love.

The truth is, that although love can invoke amazing  feelings, love itself is not a feeling. Real, tangible love, actually has little do with how I feel, and everything to do with choice. Real Love is a verb. It’s not just something I receive, but something I choose to give.

In the bible, Jesus made a startling statement about love. He said

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:3

Crazy right? He equated love to the ultimate sacrifice. Essentially, the depth of your love is revealed by you willingness to sacrifice

In his book Maximized Manhood, the late Dr. Ed Cole said “lust seeks the benefit of self at the expense of others, love seeks to benefit others at the expense of self.”

Real love, God’s love, gives to others without condition, or need for reciprocation.

Love at this highest and most mature is an action, predicated by a choice. It’s a decision that we make regardless of feelings, convenience or cost.

This type of love is life-changing, because it costs you everything to sustain and grow. It’s the love a marriage should be founded on. A love that really means “for richer or poorer, better or worse, or in sickness or in health, to death do us part.” Those are not words I would associate with feelings.

Real love is not something you “fall” into, but something you choose to  grow into.

Feelings are a benefit of relationships –  but should never be the basis. When we base our relationships off of our feelings, we won’t be able to love others when they fail or hurt us.

Notice I said that “feelings are a benefit.” A relationship that is nurtured carefully is loaded with benefits! I don’t believe that God desires to withhold anything from us that keeps us from experiencing the abundant life he’s promised. But when feelings begin dictate our level of devotion, it’s a sign that something may be wrong.

What do you do when you caught the feels?”

You will fail to conquer anything your refuse to confront. Enjoying long-term relationship success, starts with conquering our feelings and our need for feelings. This does not mean ignoring or burying them, but putting them in their proper place.

Feelings reveal. They reveal the condition of our hearts, our sensitivities, compassion, prejudices and frustrations. And while they reveal our emotional and mental state, they do not always reveal what is true.

So here’s a few tools that will help:

1. Get to know yourself

Are you an emotional charged person? Do you have a history of feelings-based decisions? Or have you been mis-led by your feelings before? Do you have the tendency to “fall” for people? If this is you, be honest with yourself. Your heart is worth protecting and it’s time to stop giving it away to people who aren’t qualified to care for it!

I encourage people to  write down all the times their feelings deceived them. It may take some time, but worth the exercise. If you can detect a pattern, then you know there’s some work to do. Self-awareness is the first step to receiving emotional and mental stability.

Learn healthy ways process and question your emotions before you act on them. Processing emotions is critical. I know that I’m a verbal processor, when I’m frustrated, excited or annoyed, talking through it  helps me process what I’m feeling and keep myself stable. When I bottle up my emotions and feed off them, they eventually compromise my ability to see and discern correctly.

Whether its prayer, writing, exercising or talking,  spend the time to put your feelings in their proper place.

2. Find a healthy anchor 

Our hearts need to be anchored, or they can easily drift from places of peace and purpose. For me, the greatest Anchor a person can ever find is revealed within the pages of the Bible. I can’t tell you how many times a memorized scripture verse, or daily devotion brought stillness and strength in a moment I lacked it.

My relationship with God has been my greatest source of strength and peace when my emotions and thoughts were raging.

I see people anchor themselves to nightlife, substances, gambling or even healthier options like exercise or friendships. Some anchor to their career or money, or their looks or accomplishments. Yet these will all fail to bring the peace and confidence that a relationship with God will, and eventually leave you thirsty for something more.

Beyond people, places, hobbies or pursuits, Jesus and His Truth will be the greatest anchor you will ever cast.

Prioritize drawing closer to Him and get around healthy people who know God,  care about you and listen to them. Allow trusted, wise people to give you their opinions and insight, even if you disagree. I usually talk to 3 trusted friends/mentors  before I make any major decision in life. There are people in our lives who see what we don’t, and we must be mature and humble enough to listen to them.

     3. Slow Down

I hate being rushed. Whether financially or relationally, it typically leads to disaster.People often make terrible relationships decisions, because they feel an unhealthy pressure to be in or out of one.

I’ve learned that if you can’t control your desires, your desires will control you. If you “can’t wait” to get married or in a relationship, that usually means that you probably should .

Real love is in fact “patient.” If somebody is not willing to WAIT for you, then they are probably more interested in self-gratification, than building a life-long relationship. Sex reveals a lot about a person’s heart, that’s why God designed it for marriage.

Discipline yourself to slow down and really get to know a person. Evaluate how they treat their family and people they disagree with. Look at how they deal with stress and pressure. To take time to see if their social media bio is a reality or a just an aspiration!

It’s not always the case, but typically what’s been rushed is never quite as good as what’s been prepared with care and concern. It may be the hardest thing to stop and slow down, especially when everything in you wants to speed ahead. But waiting positions God to move on your behalf, and I can’t imagine anything better than that!

Wherever you are on your journey, my prayers is that these posts are helpful and freeing. I believe that God wants us to have fulfilling and rewarding relationships

Stay tuned for lie #2!

PJ